Happy Father-less Day

So first of all, I'd like to say Happy Fathers Day to all the dad's who are doing their jobs as parents, and also to all the strong, single women. My dad was never there, I never really knew him. He cheated on my mom, he already had a wife and kids, he just left. He used her, broke her down, and took her soul. I guess that's what you get for dating a musician. My grandma says I'm the only good thing that came out of that relationship. I think she's right. Growing up without a dad vigorously affected me, yet silently; You would never look at that little girl and think she didn't have a father. My grandparents brought me up when my mom couldn't be there for me, and my grandpa was like a dad. I could have easily been a disgraceful, weak, scandalous whore without some sort of male figure, but I was raised better than that. My biological father is nothing but a worthless, cheap, piece of shit sperm doner. I never remembered him from when I was a baby, in 6th grade I met him all over again. It was the worst feeling, seeing that plastic smile, I didn't want to believe that I was his own flesh and blood. But I am your child. I am the result of you fucking a pretty young thing. There were a few times I would cry listening to my dad's music. Hearing his voice, it was very scratchy and rough, but still comforting playing along with the tune. I'd ask my grandma who he was, I'd question my own identity, WHO AM I? I'm just this mutt of a child with a fucked up life because YOU weren't in it. No one would noticed this kid was hurting, but I was SCREAMING for you, I WANT YOU TO SEE ME, I AM BROKEN. In grade school, when Fathers Day came around, the teacher would have these neat projects to make for dad. I was the only one in my 2nd grade class that didn't make one. I helped the teacher pass out supplies. Those paper hearts that say "I love you, Daddy", if I ever made one, mine would say "CHOKE ON IT, DADDY" My family says that once I'm older, I will want him to be a part of my life, I beg to differ. But this is only my 15 year old mind. Who knows what I'll want in a few years. Supposedly, I can't despise him forever. Maybe someday in the future I'll feel like I need him. I'd always imagine what I'd have to do when I walk down the isle. I'd want my grandpa, who'd done so much for me, to take that vacancy. While my mom was around, she did all she could to keep me happy, but Tony wasn't any help. I called my mom this morning to wish HER a Happy Fathers Day, because I can tell you one thing, for the time being, there was absolutely NO ONE in that house that had balls BUT my mom. She kept it together for as long as she could. My grandma, my grandpa and my mom replace that role. I don't need a dad. Because even though I look at some of my friends families and envy the love they have, I've gone all these years, I've accomplished so much, WITHOUT a dad. I'm going to be a successful, independent woman and you're going to look down on me and feel like the worthless shit you are for not watching me blossom into such a beautiful person. You missed out, too fucking bad.

Karma.

God gave us the gift of free will, it is up to us what we do with it.
The question of free will is whether rational agents exercise control over their actions and decisions. Lately I've been so bored with life that I've manipulated things that weren't any of my business. Hurting people for my own sick amusement. Well karma finally bit me in the ass, and I learned from it. The effects of all deeds are viewed as actively shaping past, present, and future experiences. You have to think of the outcome of what you're doing, the cause and effect. I wish I did that before.

Playing the game.

I created a theory and brought it to life.
I twisted and manipulated to get my proof.
It's time to switch up roles, I'll act like you and walk a mile off in your shoes. What if I made you cry? What if I played you like a toy. Sometimes I wish I did act like a boy. I'll go ahead and be just like him. Keep a straight face when you tell a lie. What he doesn't know won't break his heart. I'm messing with your head again, dose of your own medicine. For most players, control and immediate satisfaction are the key goals of their behavior. If you can take the control away from them, you always take away the satisfaction and in doing so you "win" if you want to call it that. Once I put myself out there, I fished myself out. Know the signs, stay true to yourself, and THAT my friend, is how you play a player.

The City With The Family 061409

I love living here and I love going to the city. I feel like I belong there. I went yesterday with Mom, Felipe and Sabrina to get some shots. We went to Union and shopped, there were a lot of good looking guys...After that we drove to the Palace Of Fine Arts and walked around. Mom had a bitch fit for about 10 minutes because me and Sabrina disappeared. Then we had to go to the bathroom so we just walked into this Italian restaurant to use the toilet haha. My favorite part of the day was Haight Street, it's always the best place to get food! There was so much going on at once because of the festival, I got a lot of great photo's there though. Guys in dresses and drunk girls in tutu's. Awesome.

Don't call me.

Drink up handsome,
I've spiked your cup with angst, and a heart attack.
I've got so much trapped and it's all because of you.
So I figured you might like some back.
And when I see him I'll tell him whats been on my mind.
All these sleepless nights.
He'll recite his excuses,
Like he does all the time.
Can't live my life,
Knowing you'll be in her arms each time I blink my eyes.
Know what goes on behind my back every night,
Afraid I'll never leave, afraid I'll never know whats good for me.
And now you say that, you say you love me.
Well I may have your heart, but she has your body.
And now you swear that you're being honest,
But you're not honest, you never could be.

You're Never too old.

Today is my grandpa's 61st birthday and he is still up and about. He's like a little kid, kinda like me. Full of energy, and has the best sense of humor, I love him so much. Me, Keiyan and him went to the movies today to watch "Drag Me To Hell" FUCK, it actually scared me, Keiyan was hiding on my shoulder. Haha. We rode this virtual roller coaster thingy, and afterwards I got on one of those kiddie helicopter rides and people looked at me like I was retarded. I endured a gram cracker hunt at Target so we were able to make smores at home and watch movies. All in all, it was a good day. My grandpa is proof that age is just a number, I can't go anywhere with him, all the middle aged ladies flirt with him. Gross...Happy Birthday, Grandpa.

Trust.

I couldn't trust anyone, not even myself. I have moments where I feel inadequate, insecure or afraid, but I still try to be strong even though I often feel weak. Guilt used to torment me, fear of commitment used to consume me, but now I'm starting to take a deep breath in, and let it out.

Trapped.

I feel trapped. In this piece of crap you call a home. I've been stuck in this fucking house for 4 days now, I didn't even know what day of the week it was. It is Monday, June 8, 2009 and I am officially losing my mind. They can't keep me here forever, it's a matter of time before I just give up and escape the madness. I'll pack my bags, gather some money, and just head somewhere that makes more sense. It's like I'm finally rebelling the walls that have binded me for the longest time. I don't have much to lose, so it's worth a shot. I need to breathe. I don't know about them, but I'm not going to stay here and rot in this loveless shithole.

Tough

So today was a mix of emotions. Broken Plans galore. I was supposed to go to BFD, didn't happen. Then I was going to hang out with my friend, he was busy. Then my grandma started attcking me with words, and I just couldn't take it, so i took my phone, mp3 and camera, and walked out the front door, slamming it. At that moment, I didn't care if I got in trouble when I came home, all I knew was that I needed to get out of that house, I needed some air. I went to the park, watched funny shaped clouds, deeply contemplated and asked God why my life has to be so fucked up at times. Happy Birthday.

She puts the HO in HOMEWRECKER.

Say hello to homewrecker everyone.
Define her it means she'll fuck anyone.
No self-esteem, she's on her knees,
Not leaving much to the imagination.
You'd take off your clothes,
Don't bother him with those.
Strip away. Dignity's overrated. Straight forward.
I hate her more.
Stripped away. And oversaturated.

No such thing as goodbye

Today was the last day of school, and there were definitely a lot of mixed emotions. It was very bitter sweet. I cried of course because there are so many people leaving that I'm going to terribly miss. Like Mr.Ferrer, and Mr.Ramirez, and D.J, and Keegan. It was all too much. I hate moving on, or watching other people move on, even if it's for the best. Sometimes I wish time would be on my side for once, and just pause until I'm ready, but life goes on, you have to live it up. I think the highlight of my day was after school, I was all emotional and I saw my friend, he hopped the locked fence, and took my stuff over. Me, being the absolute worst beaner to ever walk the planet, doesn't know how to hop a fence. But I figured "Andrea, it's the last day of school, here's your chance." So I get up, fall on my ass and rip my pants. But hey, at least I got to the other side, right? Damn, I loved those jeans...



Most amazing class I've ever had.